(Secret easter egg at the end of the video!)
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Who should pay on the first date?
You’re sitting there, feeling a little nervous as you finish dessert. You wait in dumbstruck silence for the inevitable…
The check arrives!
You and your date eye that little cardholder thing that the “bad news” comes in after every meal at a restaurant. What do you do?
Do you let him pay?
Do you offer to chip in and hope he doesn’t take you up on it because you’ve got exactly $4 in your wallet – and there isn’t an ATM for miles…?
Do you try to time it so you’re in the bathroom when the check comes?
It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it – and I know for a fact if you’ve ever gone out to dinner, you’ve probably gone crazy over this “who pays the check” dilemma.
SO – WHO PAYS?
No, REALLY… who should pay for the date?
It’s so confusing now, with new gender roles, and old standards, and you don’t want to make a mistake, right?
Well, it’s actually a simple question to answer, and I’m going to give you my own “once-and-for-all” rule about who pays in this article.
First – I want to explain all the wrong and bad answers you’re going to hear:
BAD ANSWER #1: “Whoever asks should pay!”
This answer assumes that we all work on the same internal rules about what men and women feel about this… and the fact is – we don’t.
A guy might feel a little relief that he doesn’t have to pay the check for once, but ask yourself how YOU will feel about it.
If you’re truthful about it – you know that it will feel weird. Like you’re sending a message to him.
And you’re right, it is a message to him that may make him shy away from asking you out again.
And let me also slip in a little advice here:
Don’t ask guys out!
I know I’m going to earn the fury of a thousand feminists on this one, but it’s pretty simple to understand why you shouldn’t ask men out:
If you ask, you’ll never know if he’s REALLY into you or not. And that’s going to drive you #$%@ crazy!
If you ask, he’ll never be inspired to take initiative. And the man needs to chase you, m’lady. It’s not an optional accessory that you can say NO to.
If you ask, he’s going to feel “short circuited” by you taking on the masculine role. He’ll feel like he’s won you (even if he hasn’t) because you just erased ALL the mystery for him.
If he likes you and DOESN’T ask you out (which is what you secretly fear when you do it for him) then he never would have been a good partner for you. His lack of masculine initiative would always leave you feeling like an under-appreciated accessory in his life.
Trust The Carlos on this one…
BAD ANSWER #2: “Split the bill!”
This answer is usually given as the “easy solution” to this dilemma. And I have to admit, if you’re really confused, or you’re sure you don’t like the guy in a romantic way – yes this is the way to go.
But if you want the guy to INVEST in your relationship (and not just in money – in EMOTIONS) you have to start by getting him to put some skin in this game. Yes, paying for your meal is not only a financial investment, but an emotional investment that reminds him what he’s up to.
BAD ANSWER #3: “The woman should always pay! She shouldn’t let herself be indebted to the Patriarchy!”
This answer is usually given as a way for the woman to avoid feeling like she’s indebted to the man for the meal. “He bought the dinner, now I have to put out!”
Uh, no, you don’t have to put out.
Guys don’t think like this. And the guy that does is a piece of rhino poop.
Let me tell you this:
The best approach is that a woman should never act like she EXPECTS the bill to be paid by the man.
This kinda reeks of entitlement and – hang on to your butts, ladies – gold digging.
(The crowd gasps.)
A man wants you to be grateful, but not indebted.
He wants his contribution RECOGNIZED by you. Because all too often, a guy will take a girl out (usually not one of the nicest girls around) and she will simply use him for a free meal.
And these days, unless his career is really on track, he’s just as cash-poor as you are. A guy doesn’t want to be “cheap” – but he does need to be careful.
So what’s the answer here, Carlos?
Should the guy pay? Should the woman pay?
Here’s how this answer breaks down…
We’re going to go through the correct scenario of WHO SHOULD PAY:
STEP 1: Let the check arrive…
Don’t get anxious or weirded out. Just know that it’s part of this ritual dance.
When the check arrives …
Watch the video for the rest!
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Dating Advice Guru
Who should pay on the first date?