Dating Advice

What’s Blocking Me From Finding Love? – Dating Advice for Women Over 40

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For Iris Benrubi, her journey toward love had not been an easy one. Filled with the heartache and frustration of divorce, she faced the incredibly difficult task of putting in the effort to connect with another person and finally feel comfortable in dating again.

After the divorce, Iris completely shut down in fear of getting hurt again.

It wasn’t until she realized what she needed to do in order to move forward and finally feel safe in dating again that she made it her mission to help other women going through the same pain find their dream relationship.

Have you yourself ever felt like something was blocking you from finding love? On this week’s show, Iris and I discuss the ways in which you can identify the issues that are holding you back and how to deal with them.

So you’ve met a man that you’re interested in, but you feel as though intruding thoughts keep you from taking the relationship to the next level. In this case, you could be acting out on your attachment strategies, behaviors that we build from childhood that can have a significant effect on the ways we interact with others and build romantic relationships.

Perhaps you had a parent that wasn’t always around or disappeared completely. You felt anxious and nervous, doing anything in your power to attach yourself to them to ensure they wouldn’t leave you. This same behavior, one Iris calls an anxious attachment strategy, can apply to your romantic relationships-you feel constantly worried, managing many insecure thoughts at once.

Another attachment strategy is one of avoidance. In your childhood, you may have coped with the absence of a parent by learning to keep people at an arm’s length and build your walls high. When someone tries to break down those barriers and get closer to you, you avoid any potential pain that could stem from opening up to them.

By falling into one or both of these behaviors, you make it difficult to build on any connections you make with men. To combat this and take a closer step toward finding love, recognize what type of attachment strategy you use in relationships and what you bring to the dating table. It all comes back to managing your anxiety and fear of getting too close to him.

But what about the feelings you experience after getting hurt-whether it be from a bad breakup or divorce? Similarly to Iris, you may have shut down and pulled back from the intimacy you once craved, maybe even going so far as to think you don’t need a man. According to Iris, however, that isn’t the case-we all need to feel connected to another main person in our lives romantically, separate from friends and family.

Get clear on what exactly is stopping you from pursuing love and take the steps you need to overcome those fears, either on your own or with the help of a professional. Don’t allow yourself to keep talking yourself out of happiness beneath the guise of “not needing a man.”
You may also feel as though you’re simply not worth finding true love and happiness-but realize that this isn’t true at all. Get clear on your value and realize that you are worthy of love with the right man and that you shouldn’t fall into the energy of constantly feeling as though you need to earn his love. Respect yourself, and you’ll find a man that is an equal to you and loves all the parts of you that you want to hide away.

What do you think about Iris’s dating tips on finding love? Let us know in the comments below!

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Suzanne Oshima, Matchmaker & Dating Coach at Dream Bachelor & Bachelorette & the Founder of Single in Stilettos (http://www.singleinstilettos.com)

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